30 January 2015
It’s easy to make fun of the wine-critic word salad Robert Parker invented, all layers & ripeness & things leaping from glasses–easy, too, to talk about ‘Parkerized’ wines, the style of winemaking that he is said to represent. Did he do a service, when he began to write about wine for Americans stressed out over buying $40 birthday presents for their bosses in more or less the same way that Consumer Reports reviews washing machines? In a very specific, very real way: yes. Has the idea of rating an idiosyncratic, living agricultural product in the same way as a washing machine done measurable harm? Well, yes.
And in the decades that have followed, and with all of the objections to for example the point system pretty much canon now, the wines that he got most enthusiastic over and the way he wrote about that enthusiasm have been caricatured so thoroughly that sometimes instead of attempting to parrot received wisdom it really truly is instructive to just survey & report. To put in another way: I could not write a better parody of Robert Parker’s prose, or describe the kinds of wines I’m told he liked, better than presenting his own writing with as little commentary as possible.
I came across this particular collection of text while looking for something more or less unrelated. (How a particular vintage of a modernist Barolo producer was received a decade and a half ago, if you’re curious.) So! Here are some words & phrases used by Robert Parker when he likes something. They appear, all of them, exactly as written, on a single page of his 2002 Buyers Guide. A dozen or so wines, all told. And without me saying anything more, maybe you can decide for yourself what he values in a bottle of wine, and what kind of things he likes to drink, and how he likes to write about drinking them:
a provocative bouqueta luxurious bouqueta hedonistic, explosive nosebig sweet perfumevoluptuousblockbuster
supple and velvetyvelvety and forward
ripe, and attractivearomas jump from the glassflavors cascade over the palatePowerfully, unctuously textured
awesomely layered texturewith additional levels of glycerin and flavorlayers of glycerinstunningly concentratedfabulously concentrateddecadent level of richnessPomerol-like lushnessFull-bodied, ripe
Full-bodied-and lushopulent, lush, fleshy
fleshy and flamboyantsexy, hedonistic, seamless
Rich, full, fat, opulent, and decadentcopious spice, glycerin, and alcoholfleshy, and flamboyant, with huge glycerin levelsthis textured, full-bodied, fat, lush wine.
2 July 2014
From Twitter, between January 1 and December 21, 2013. Question for the day: how do you archive & resurrect experience of the digital over time?
My sister at breakfast: “Do you know what the German word for birth control is? ANTIBABYPILLEN.”
4 January, 3:44 p.m.
On the Difficulties of Recollecting the Plots of Novels One Has Partly Read While Drunk. #unwrittenessays
10 January, 12:48 a.m.
“…but those who believe, that Abel lived an hundred and twenty nine Years, think it improbable he should die a Batchelor.”
10 January, 1:06 a.m.
“If you put front vowels in your language, nobody will take it seriously as a language of Orcs.”
11 January, 4:47 p.m.
Tarantino films that feature scenes in which characters literally give each other acting lessons: Django Unchained, Reservoir Dogs.
17 January, 1:28 a.m.
“There you are, like butter in sunshine.” Martin Luther insult randomizer: http://ergofabulous.org/luther/
20 January, 12:50 p.m.
RT: Thank God for technology. Before Twitter, I just used to go up to strangers and whisper in their ears. @tejucole
26 January, 1:42 p.m.
18 September 2013
I like book indexes because of the tantalizingly incomplete sense they give of a large, impossible object broken down into its constituent parts. And because I like lists of words.
Anyway I was at the wine store the other day paging through the Jancis Robinson-edited Oxford Companion to Wine (it is as crazy authoritative as the title would suggest), and next to the introduction there’s a two-page double-column list of 300 new entries added to the third edition. If you like, it gives a rough sense of how the canonical wine world might have changed between 1999 and 2006—you know, black-magic big industrial processes in commercial production on the one hand, formerly forgotten regions and nerdy, nearly-extinct indigenous grapes on the other. (Also, the Internet: websites finally have an entry!) Did I mention I like lists of words? Like so:
Asian Lady Beetle
black dead arm
glassy winged sharpshooter
philosophy & wine
vegetarian & vegan wine
23 August 2013
All taken from the New York Times and Washington Post. Answers below.
01. He’s like the Tocqueville of the culinary world.
02. He’s like the Beethoven of cocktails.
03. He’s like the Ingmar Bergman of poetry.
04. He’s like the Pluto of talk shows.
05. He’s like the Lou Gehrig of Stalingrad.
06. He’s like the John McCain of action heroes.
07. He’s just like the Muhammad Ali of horse racing.
08. He’s like the Cal Ripkin Jr. of NYPD spokesmen.
09. He’s like the Sheryl Crow of now.
10. He’s almost like the Zelig of homeless people.
11. He’s becoming like the Keith Richards of content.
12. He’s the Paul Newman of American presidents.
a) Spanish chef José Andrés *
b) Muslim mixologist Mojnu Hoque *
c) Tomas Tranströmer, recipient of the Nobel Prize in Literature *
d) Carson Daly *
e) Soviet sniper Vasily Zaitsev *
f) Chuck Norris *
g) Jockey Edgar S. Prado *
h) NYPD spokesman Paul J. Browne *
i) John Mayer *
j) Matthew Eckstine, stepson of jazz singer Billy Eckstine *
k) Merlin Bronques of LastNightsParty dot com *
l) Barack Obama *
3 August 2013
Languages heard by fewer people in the world combined than Dothraki, the invented language of Game of Thrones nomads: Yiddish, Navajo, Inuit, Basque, Welsh.
Languages into which Georges Perec’s lipogrammatic La Disparition has been translated while preserving the constraint: German (Anton Voyls’ Fortgang); English (A Void, Vanish’d!, A Vanishing); Italian (La scomparsa); Spanish (El secuestro, no ‘a’); Dutch (‘t Manco); Swedish (Försvinna); Turkish (Kayboluş); Russian (Исчезание, no ‘o’); Japanese (En-metsu).
Nicknames of Charles Dickens’ children: the Snodgering Bee; Lucifer Box; Mild Glo’ster; Young Skull; Chickenstalker; Skittles; Ocean Spectre; the Jolly Postboy; Plorn.
Old-school newspapers: the Bee, the Comet; Press-Scimitar, Post-Intelligencer, Times-Picayune; the Argus, the Watchman, the Vigilant.
Old-school baseball teams: the Des Moines Prohibitionists, the Chicago Uniques, the Milwaukee Creams; the Spokane Bunchgrassers, the Kalamazoo Celery Pickers; the La Crosse Pinks, the Regina Bone Pliers.
Family cars: Adventure Van; Petunia Vader; Speedy Alice; Princess Buttercup; Bruce; Bonnie a.k.a. Hellfire Avenger.
Ways to call someone a wet blanket: aguafiestas; ponurak; rabat-joie; Miesmacher; ξενέρωτος; مفسد البهجة; guastafeste.
Marianne Moore’s suggestions for a new Ford Motor Company model, 1935: the Resiliant Bullet, the Intelligent Whale; Aeroterre, Pastelogram, Thunderblender; Utopian Turtletop.
29 March 2012
Things that teach you how to read them, according to the internet:
Ulysses by James Joyce
Ulysses, Gravity’s Rainbow, J R, Infinite Jest
a diaphanous novel that reminds me of Blanchot
a certain kind of exemplary poem
poems, read carefully
no chart, book, article or person
all great books in any genre, but particularly Fashion Design Drawing Course
great works of art
Sherlock Holmes stories
Moby Dick in Pictures
every book you read
books that are assured and confident
a good experimental-form book
books that sit uncomfortably in their own era
great books, the truly great ones, but especially Infinite Jest
Ulysses, Finnegans Wake, and other modernist works
innovative fiction, like Ulysses and Beloved
any good book
almost any book
science fiction, uniquely
the games Portal and Portal 2
the best kind of comic book
every book you read
any good book
every good book
all great books
18 March 2012
My newest age, going by the Harper’s Index: The number of moles on the average adult’s body (Dec ’88), and the number of fishing rods and tackle boxes that can be checked out of Georgia’s Tybee Island public library (Oct ’98). The estimated number of Cobra attack helicopters privately owned by Americans (April ’97). The maximum running speed (in miles per hour) of a wild turkey, and the average lifespan (in years) of a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon (Nov ’90 & ’95). The number of days it takes an adult in Los Angeles to breathe in more air pollution than EPA guidelines recommend for a lifetime (Dec ’02), the estimated California black-market price, in dollars, of a state-issued handicapped parking permit (July ’91), and the minimum number of times that Frederick Douglass was beaten in what is now Donald Rumsfield’s vacation home (March ’06). The percentage of Americans who believe their presence at a sports event influences its outcome (Dec ’84). The average number of miles by which the magnetic North Pole moves each year (Dec ’02).
Yesterday I was only as old as the 1989 percentage of Iowans with lawn ornaments.